POV Shorts: Becoming Myself

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -When I look at these photos, I'm reminded of how curious I was.

♪♪ I wanted to be an explorer.

I felt so full and free.

♪♪ Despite appearances, I didn't have a happy-go-lucky childhood.

♪♪ An undercurrent of danger and neglect pulled me down into so much fear.

♪♪ I longed for an escape.

I was so angry at myself, for my body, for being queer and trans.

I just could not imagine a future in which I was being myself.

I thought suicide was the only real way out.

♪♪ ♪♪ My attempt landed me in a teen psych ward.

♪♪ I knew something had to change.

But I had no clue where to begin.

♪♪ ♪♪ My psychologist diagnosed me with PTSD.

I thought the rest of my life would be this excruciating.

At a friend's birthday party, I learned about a clinical study to treat PTSD with MDMA therapy.

I told myself I was going to put myself through this ordeal of doing the study, and if it didn't work, I had every right to kill myself.

-Of course, you're here because of your trauma and your triggers, and your symptoms from your trauma.

-Yeah, really, we can talk about anything.

Everything is fair game.

-For three weeks, Julane and Greg helped me prepare for my first MDMA-assisted session.

♪♪ I opened up about my most painful experiences.

It felt like going backwards.

-There is a drive in you.

It'll bloom as you start to grow and to heal.

It's kind of like making little greenhouse here for a while.

-[ Chuckling ] Okay.

-This is your 80 milligrams.

♪♪ ♪♪ -Body does feel different.

-Yeah.

♪♪ -I don't think I do really feel bad about myself right now.

-Isn't that nice?

-What do you think about your power?

♪♪ -It's big.

-Yeah.

-I thought there is power in there, not just in your body.

Your spirit.

Remember the way you were feeling?

-Yeah, it was just, like, totally inhabiting myself.

I just felt so clear, like, how I wanted to move.

-That stretching into whatever -- it's also tied up with your thoughts and feelings, where you can integrate with anybody.

Does that make sense?

Like, integrating thoughts or feelings and just bringing them home?

-I can definitely see myself more intentionally doing that more and more.

-So today, it comes in the form of three pills.

So each one is 40 milligrams.

So that totals the 120.

♪♪ ♪♪ -Did you have any actual thoughts about committing suicide?

-Yeah.

-Okay.

I'm sorry that happened.

I just, like, want to figure out how to make it stop.

-There is a solution within you.

Not one we're giving you, but it's there.

It's not like, "Okay, I had this session and I had these insights and understandings on how different" -- you had the insights, and then life goes on.

-That has to be a practice and something that's done over and over, and just in your day to day, you know, being able to reconnect with that and, yeah, really feel that.

So as flower starts to bloom, you can't stop it.

-[ Laughs ] -Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-Alright.

♪♪ ♪♪ -Suicidal thoughts had become my coping mechanism.

Whenever I thought of suicide as the answer, my true underlying desire was for an opening.

A boundless expanse of change I could choose from.

All I had to do was believe in it long enough for the suicidal thoughts to pass.

♪♪ Integration for me is the ritual of action.

♪♪ -♪ If I have to leave... ♪ -The stillness of meditation.

-♪ I'm not sure the words I say to you ♪ ♪ To you ♪ -The repetition of movement.

-♪ I'm counting now, every breath ♪ ♪ Though I'm not sure of many... ♪ -For the past two years, I've tended the integration rituals, refilling from my inner source.

♪♪ -♪ I'm tired now with every step ♪ ♪ How many left to get next to you?

♪ ♪ To you ♪ -I know how to get back to that self.

-♪ I'm not sure of the words I'll say ♪ ♪ To you ♪ ♪ To you ♪ ♪ I'm counting down with every breath ♪ ♪ I'm not sure of how many's left ♪ ♪ For you ♪ ♪ For you ♪ ♪ I'm tired now with every step ♪ ♪ How many left to get next to you?

♪ ♪ To you ♪ ♪ To you ♪ ♪ To you ♪ ♪ To you ♪ ♪ To you ♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -Introduce yourself.

-Hello.

My name is Elaine Anna Yue.

-How old are you?

-Um, I'm 13 years old.

-When's your birthday?

-Uh, May 26th of 2004.

[ Laughing ] On 11:00 a.m. of the 30th minute and the 22nd second, I was born out of my mom's... ♪♪ -What sign are you?

-Oh, I'm a Gemini.

-Do you identify as a Gemini?

-Of course.

Can you not tell?

-What is so interesting to you about astrology?

-Learning about myself because I'm selfish.

I'm self-centered.

-Okay, what's the most interesting thing about Geminis you can tell me?

-Me being one.

-Do you think there's anything else left for you to learn?

-Oh, yeah.

-Are you excited for high school?

-Oh, no.

I was an awkward little middle schooler, trying, like, to fit in with the jokes, you know?

♪♪ -How would you define "awkward"?

-Um, it's like anxiety in a way.

Like, you don't know what to say, if it's gonna be right, and you feel out of place where you are, and you just fidget -- Or at least I fidget a lot.

And I sweat a lot.

And I just, like, stay away from the crowd.

That's awkward.

-So what's the opposite of it?

-Um, when you don't feel out of place.

I'm mean, like... And then try to -- outgoing.

No, no.

That's, like -- That's, like, a description.

-Confident?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That word.

I'm pretty diverse, you know.

I got a lot of, um, genetics and -- Like, what is it called?

Um... -Cultures?

-Cultures.

-Which cultures?

-American.

Caucasian.

No, I'm just kidding.

I'm whitewashing.

-What do you mean by that?

-Because I feel like I've lived in America for all my life.

So that's, like -- I feel like I'm more.

-I mean, you spent some time in Shanghai growing up.

-Yeah, but I don't know how to speak it.

I didn't really pay attention when I was there.

-You just don't remember.

You were only 2.

-Yeah.

Like, there's stuff in there, too, except for you, because you're weird.

♪♪ -What's your earliest memory?

-Uh, sitting on this, like, fruit-shaped thing.

-Oh, and you're sitting in the watermelon for the photo shoot.

-Yeah, yeah, I remember that.

-You were 2.

-Yeah, I just -- No, I just remember, like, a picture.

-What do you want to be when you grow up?

-I don't know.

I just find, like, discovering things interesting, and I like dance.

Like, I don't know.

It's just a thing that I do.

Like, everyone does it, but, like, whenever I hear music, I like to choreograph dances in my head, so, like, it makes sense to me.

-Not everyone does that.

That's special.

-That's nice.

-Maybe you can be a choreographer.

Is that it?

-I keep having thoughts.

You know, they keep you up at night.

Like, do you think I have insomnia?

'Cause I can never sleep.

Or it's just like my thoughts are going [Imitates whooshing] Like, I contemplate a lot about, like, when you die, you have, like, a 10-second flashback of your whole entire life.

To us in the real world, it's 10 seconds.

But to them, it's actually like their whole entire lifetime.

And then once they get to the point where they die, it just repeats and repeats and repeats.

So it's like you're reliving your memories without knowing after you die.

You know, in dreams, how they say you can't feel pain, but I feel like you'll remember that pain and it'll seem so real because you actually lived through that.

-What would be in your 10-second replay?

-Mm...me growing up.

-Mm-hmm.

-Me, like, going through weird little phases.

Me going from, like, really introverted to extroverted.

Introverted, extroverted both, and drama.

-Anything else you want to say?

-Grow up a little bit.

-To yourself or to everybody?

-Yeah.

To me.

And everybody, if they feel like they need that.

Don't be afraid to, like... Don't hide your opinion because if you don't say what you want to say, you'll miss one chance in your life that you'll never get back.

-Pretty smart.

-I know.

-Is because you're a Gemini?

-I'm a Gemini.

Yeah, If you're a Gemini, you're the best.

-Okay, bye.

Good night.

-Bye.

Good night.

It's only 7:00.

♪♪ ♪♪ -So you've been 14 for, like, a whole year?

-Yeah, freshman year is cool.

I made new friends.

I lost some friends, but I made more friends.

I'm practically perfect except for math.

-Are you still obsessed with horoscopes and zodiac, astrology stuff?

-I'm not really obsessed with it, but I like talk about it, and I think of it -- I don't really believe it, but I just find it as something that I like to use to connect with other people.

♪♪ ♪♪ -What do you have hanging up on your wall right now?

-Django from "Ratatouille," Remy's dad.

I like him there because I feel like he guards me from nightmares.

And I also have a collage I did from art.

And then a bunch of, like, little pictures I really like.

One of them that you drew.

♪♪ My morals?

I think my morals are, as long as you're good to me, I'll be good to you.

Basic.

Or, like, as long as you treat others the way you want to be treated most of the time.

Like, I get sometimes we slip up.

But as long as it isn't harming someone that I really am close to, it's okay.

-There's a lot more gay kids at your high school than there were at my high school.

-Mm-hmm.

-In North Carolina, definitely.

Do you remember when I came out?

-A couple years ago?

To Mom and Dad?

-Yeah.

-I think it was a subtle coming out.

[ Indistinct conversation ] [ Conversation stops ] [ Door closes ] Or at least for me, it was, because you kind of -- Or I think you just said to me, "I have a girlfriend," and I was like, "Okay."

Wait.

I don't really remember.

I know -- Well, I kind of remember when you came out to Dad and he's was a little angry at first, but then he was like... [ Engine starts ] I remember his... -He was pretty mad.

-And he said that he wouldn't come to your wedding, I remember, but I don't believe that.

And I think he's come around, kind of.

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -What makes your outlook different?

-Well, I don't really talk to Dad.

I mostly talk to Mom, and she's pretty accepting.

And then I think you've always talked to me the most, so, I mean, I have to -- Like, I am accepting.

-You don't have to accept me.

-Well, I mean, I want to.

-A lot of people in our family don't believe that gay people deserve to be happy.

Your grandkids are never gonna feel that way.

♪♪ Do you identify as American Chinese, Chinese-American?

-Yeah.

-Would you describe yourself as confident?

-When I'm comfortable, I'm confident.

When I'm uncomfortable, I shut my mouth.

-What do you do to -- What do you do to confront these negative thoughts?

-I think back to where that stemmed from.

Like, I hate being by myself, and I think that stemmed from when I was like -- You remember when I was, like, sent to China for a while?

I think that's where it stemmed from.

So, yeah, that's what I do.

I look for the root of the problem, and then I confront it with myself, saying -- I do story versus fact.

Like, Mom didn't leave me there because she didn't love me.

She just had to earn money to help give me a good life.

So, yeah.

-Yeah.

She loves you so much.

-Okay.

-We missed you a lot.

♪♪ You know there's a word for that phenomenon?

It's called satellite children.

Did you know that?

-No.

-It's, like, kids who orbit their -- the country where their parents are from and the country where their parents immigrated to.

Like satellites.

You were in Shanghai with our grandparents.

And when I was 5 to 6, I was in Hong Kong.

-Mm-hmm.

-But you were there a lot longer than I was.

You don't remember any of it, do you?

♪♪ What do you think is different between you and me?

-Mm...

I don't know.

I think you care about others' feelings more than I do, and I think I'm a little bit more careless.

-I think where I'm lacking, you're thriving.

-I show people my appreciation with, like, things I give to them, and you show people appreciation with, like, the words you say and by listening to them.

-Do you think I listen to you?

-Yeah.

-I love you.

Good night.

-I love you.

Good night.

Bye-bye.

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪